My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
