I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This couple is walking their pig around campus
i believe in u and ur pee
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