clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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