New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
