every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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