He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
