I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
