Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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