Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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