so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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