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Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
