so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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