Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
