You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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