well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
