i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
