thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
