Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
