you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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