so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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