Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
