Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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