I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
