First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We have started to decorate penises.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize