Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Randomize
