I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So much Jack, so little girl.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
