Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
