I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
