This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
