sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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