My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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