i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
