I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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