Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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