WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My ass is underappreciated
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize