I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
