i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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