i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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