Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
