very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
