I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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