u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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