Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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