so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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