I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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