Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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