dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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