I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she pinky promised me she was 18
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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