Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
