im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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