Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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