I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
