Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
