Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
