Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Randomize
