Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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