You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
