I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
