I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
