I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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