I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
