we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
