Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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