Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
How's work?
Spinning.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
