they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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