if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
